I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
