i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
