it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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