I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
