Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
