I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
