I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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