nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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