Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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