I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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