oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
