Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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