girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
