Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
