How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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