I wish I could punch you in the face.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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