i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
