I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
