do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
