woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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