Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
