my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize