Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is Oprah even human
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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