Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
