Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
