Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
