I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
