im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
