My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
