I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
