dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize