that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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