Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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