I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
