Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
