john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
