chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
