If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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