i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
