Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
