"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
how drunk are you?
Several
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
