be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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