My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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