I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
