Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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