you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
