He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Houston, we have a blender
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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