Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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