Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
