I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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