genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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