my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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