there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
