I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
