I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
