they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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