first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
BRING THE BAGELS
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
