There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
love makes seman taste better
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
