The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
