Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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