Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
