Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
