So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
