the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
